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Tuesday, November 18th, 2008
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i've realized
that there is a time ticking
before my energy runs out
and i can no longer imagine
the tangible possibility of
loving you.
is that horrible?
should there be arbitrary
swings of clock hands
that push me down into this
rut?
is that not love?
I become all wound up into
a tight frigid coil
and i feel that there is no air
between the pieces of me
sucked dry
and stiff to be unable
to imagine anything to set free
me in us
when i don't see you
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Saturday, February 23rd, 2008
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Grey eyes to match grey hair
Soft wrinkled skin. Folds that show the years of emotion-laughing, crying.
Empty case
Fluffy marshmellows transform into dark insecurities
Bearing the heavy weight of ambition
Ferocious drops of watery ammunition
Pelt my vessel
A moment's hesitation sends me gasping for a breath
White knuckles, fingers that grip tightly
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One of my favorite poems has always been:
A Dream Deferred by Langston Hughes
I was 10 when I read Langston Hughes. Fifth grade meant the Harlem Renaissance and I fell in love with Langston Hughes. As with many phases in my life, a little push grew into an obsession and I became consumed with poetry. I spent hours looking through books in my public library, searching for lines that would inspire me... a 10 year old girl whose life was consumed by boys, best friends, and surprisingly, what happens when dreams get deferred. Having more hope than anything, I hoped that my dreams wouldn't become deferred, pushed aside against my will, or according to my will.
Looking back at this poem, 13 years later, the meaning has changed for me but the conditions haven't. I dreamt with ferocity and intensity. I vowed never to allow anything stand in my way... but what happens when people, ideas, society does get in the way? America, oh the land of opportunities, of social mobility, and cultural diversity. Or is it? Not really. That's the syrupy sweet crust that entices you with its promises. It's sugar coating hides what's really inside.
My favorite line is of course, "or does it explode?"
Do all those dreams, all the aspirations, and all the anger that comes with not having the opportunity to pursue such things that were promised wind up into a tight spring that is really to be freed at any moment?
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
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Wednesday, March 15th, 2006
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Can I just say that UCSD entertains me sooo much?
I was walking to Sungod Lounge from Peterson Hill after walking through a very scary swarm of bees. I'm just walking, enjoying the sun and I hear loud chirping noises. Of course it's coming from the talking tree/ singing tree. Ok, so that's cool. Birds are cool in the middle of the forest, coming from metal trees. But then, the birds stopped and wedding bells started going off. At that point, I had to laugh. Then... there were moaning noises, then farting noises, and then crazy talk in Spanish.
I love it here!
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Friday, February 17th, 2006
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Trying to decide where to study abroad.
Go back to the motherland and hopefully crush the stereotypes I reserve for my own race?
Or go to Italia?
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Tuesday, December 28th, 2004
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| Time: | 12:20 am. |
| Mood: | unsure. |
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I'm a person who likes to plan things. I love planning out my schedule for the next quarter. I love planning out the activities I will do next year. I love planning out what I'm going to do for someone's birthday next month. I just love planning! And ever since I was little, I had a plan for my future.. it was a solid plan, a good plan.
And now I feel
like that plan might crumble...
and disappear.
I've worked everything into creating a plan to get into UCSD for biology.. to get into a med school... to get a residency at a good hospital... to become a doctor... to save lives... to dedicate everything to my work...
and now I'm stuck with the question, "What is more important? For me to live... or for me to help others live?"
It was so easy to imagine in high school that I was going to go to 12 years of school, earn nothing as a resident, and postpone my life until my late thirties. It's not so easy to imagine now. I won't travel till I earn money, pay my bills, and find a replacement doctor to take care of my sick patients. I will always feel guilty for leaving them behind and I will rush back home. I will sleep but I will be on call. I won't marry until society says I'm too old to be loved.
I will be happy as a doctor... ecstatic... but will I be happy in the 8 years before I earn that MD?
I don't know.
Sigh.
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Friday, December 17th, 2004
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Ok, I'm stumped.
How does one not know what they want for Christmas? I should be jumping around, shouting brand names of material goods I want.. but I really don't know.
Lately, I've been disregarding myself. This entire year, I haven't paid much attention to the way I look, the clothes I put on, the things I really want/need for myself. I really think that I have no fashion sense now. I guess college/UCSD does that to a person. I put on jeans every morning and a sweater to cover up whatever hideous shirt I'm wearing underneath. It's comfortable and it's warrmm. Then I think, wow, I'm one of those people on makeover shows who consistently say that they wear "comfortable" clothes. Comfortable=ugly. Too bad those people are in their 40's and have kids. I'm only 20, at the prime of my youth. Sad sauce.
My birthday came and went like really nothing. I didn't treat myself to anything and I just kept going and living out my daily routine. My 20th birthday: Woke up at 6:30, reviewed ochemistry (it doesn't help but it makes me feel good inside), grabbed an oatmeal bar that I could jam in my mouth while driving, drove for half an hour to UCSD, took my chem final, went to work.. where I had to get kicked out of because they don't allow birthday people to work, went to evie's, found out the most tragic news of my life (I haven't had a very tragic life), cried all day and stayed in bed. Of course, along the course of the day, I got many phone calls, emails, and messages on facebook (hahaha facebook). And yeah, first week of break and I still haven't celebrated my life.
So now, when I'm asked to compile a list of wants.. I can't think of anything. I can't pull myself out of that lil hole. I don't have grades to care about. I don't have to go to work now. I have a day or so before my friends come back to San Diego. There are no more people to make happy except.. myself. It's hard enough to make a wish list simply because I never make wish lists. So now I have to sit here and think about what I want.
PS_ I really need sleep.
Oh, and I really hate those mood options.
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Saturday, September 25th, 2004
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I hate being asian sometimes. I hate being Chinese. I hate being Vietnamese. Their cultures are based on conformity and image and stupid values and rules that don't apply in this age.. in this time.. in this place. Just because I'm a girl and I was put in this situation and born asian, I can't stay out after 11 and when I come home at 12 because the fucking restaurant took too fucking long to take my fucking order and bring me my fucking food, I am considered a "bad" girl. Whatever.
I'm living at home and it sucks fat ugly stinky balls. I get to see friends who go out whenever they want and who do whatever they want. College life starts at midnight and where am I at midnight? I'm at my fucking house.
Yeah, I'm a horrible child. I get good grades. I work. I volunteer. I am living at home to save money. I pay for part of my tuition. Hell, I've paid for like.. 5 quarters of school and I will be paying for my school loans after I graduate. I don't smoke. I don't drink. I don't have sex. Oh man, I am the loser and the shameful child.
Hey, guess what, I'm turning 20 in December. But who the fuck cares? If you're 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 you have to abide by the "Vietnamese, Chinese" rules of tradition. "Do you want to be a bad person?" "Bad people stay out until midnight all the time."
I want to be a bad person if that's all it takes to become evil.
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Wednesday, September 22nd, 2004
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Sometimes I wonder why I drive an hour a day to get to UCSD. 30 minutes there. 30 back. No one I know really understands that traffic sucks and parking sucks and I go there even when I don't have class just to see certain people and hang out with them. I get there at 8 and the parking lot has like.. 10 spaces left in lot.. 10 out of like.. 80... in the furthest place from well.. anywhere. It's so annoying.
Life sucks.
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Friday, September 17th, 2004
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I had a fantastic vacation
On Wednesday, I hopped into my cute lil car and drove to Becky's house at 6am. Great fun, lemme tell you. I love early mornings when the air is still wet. We got to LA at 9:30. Damned LA traffic, I tell you. It's always there.
LA is definitely the place to shop ... neverendingly.
That was cool.
But Thursday was really the best day ever. We slept in until about 12 then got up and Becky and I went to see Pantea at UCLA. Took a tour there. I've never seen it before. Crazy huh? Love the campus.
At 7, Evie, Becky and I make Tofu Kabobs and got all dolled up for the night. We, of course, commuting through Hollywood, were late to our show, but it was ok.
GROUNDLINGS on Melrose-- Improv
I walk into the theater and I'm standing and waiting for Evie to get the tickets at the box office... when...
ASHTON KUTCHER walks in, laughing and having a conversation with his buddy.. "Dude.." I didn't catch the convo. I was just gawking at his beauty.
Uhhuh, yeah... totally stood 1 inch away from him.. behind him... i smelled him. :D
That was the highlight of my evening!! WOOT.
He's really beautiful.
Plus Mindy Sterling (Frowl from Austin Powers) was in the improv show.
Ok, so LA is the cool place to be and to be cool, you have to pretend that celebrities are regular people.. that's what we did. I totally regret it now!!! Damnit. I spent a good chunk of my life near Ashton though. :D
So today we got back to SD. Allen is back!!!!! YAY! and all of my friends. I'm so excited.
Woohooo
Oh yeah, Lara Blumen added me as a friend on facebook???? What do I do??
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Saturday, September 11th, 2004
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I am not ashamed that I was a Barney fan.
My parents were opposed to the idea of me becoming a doctor. They tried to persuade me to be a dentist. Who doesn't hate his/her dentist??? I don't want to be stuck in a white sterilized room drilling into people's teeth and being secretly cursed under the breath of nearly drowning patients. That's what I feel like. I feel like I'm drowning when I go to the dentist. That nasty green plastic tube is my only friend. Ew, sleazy vietnamese doctor with black lungs and superficial receptionist wife with ten pounds of makeup on her face. Don't let me be remotely close to becoming either of those individuals.
Sandy is taking riding lessons... motorcycle riding lessons. Do you realize how short that girl is??? She can't even reach the pedals on a regular bike. She has to get one of those tiny ones. I can see her in the circus.
I can't wait for my UCSD friends to come home. Oh man, I just called UCSD home. I'll be sad that Andrew will be gone.. gone with all the other people! But that's ok. Jonny and Tin will be here still.. amongst other friends.
I'm taking Mandarin this quarter. YES! My vocabulary will expand from Mei-mei, wa eye knee, and way?. Very beautiful, I love you, Hellllooo? :)
Actually, I asked my mom to translate "Hi. Got Money? Love you long time."
Allen likes it when I dance around and quote Full Metal Jacket.
I want to go to Vietnam again. I felt tall.
Oops... Sandy's daredevil motorcycle career in the circus has just ended. She couldn't weave.
Jonny, want to see Moving Units on the 24th??? WITH ME.
Juls and I have decided to be Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for Halloween this year.
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Saturday, August 21st, 2004
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well i may be just a fool
but i know were just as cool
and cool kids they belong together
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Friday, August 20th, 2004
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I want to get drunk right now. DAMMIT! Granted, I've never been drunk and I don't know the feeling or whether or not it will wash away this self-pity and anger that I feel inside but I feel like I should give it a chance. Everything and everyone needs a chance to prove and perhaps I should let the good ole alcohol prove itself. Of course, last time it made me take 5 shots before I could get that wooziness that everyone else craves. Oh yeah, and combined with the thai food, it created beautiful noodle art into the sink of some random guys' house. That was seriously lovely and maybe I should do it again because throwing up that shit felt so good. It was a fountain of joy for me. JOY
What sparked this you ask? It's silly how I'm still dealing with the same issues that motivate me to write in these damn online journals and written journals. Boys, friends, and family. Ok, at the moment, I don't give one little bitty pile of dung if I am upset that I got tossed aside by a friend. The matter is that he said he was going to take me, got me all excited, then called and kindly exclaimed, you are uninvited. Yeah, that's right.
On a connected thought, I read my old journal entries that dated back to the beginning of high school. Man, I was so lame. Especially lame because I thought that love could be found in assholes and guess what! Love cannot be found in assholes. All that's there is FECES and all the rejected shit in the world. I still was caught up in wanting to love idiots when the nicest guy ever came around and wanted to save me. Yeah, saw him today. Really good guy. I still don't have any feelings for him, though. Why can't we just force ourselves to fall in love with the better guys?
Guess that question has been nullified because love with the best guy has been found.
It's a Friday night.
Blah.
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The ATM machine ate my credit card.
BUT... it was worth it!!
I'm seeing The Cure with Jonny Tuesday night. He won tickets. WOOT!!! GOOO JONNY!
We started waiting in line at 1 and Jonny got there before anyone else. We got Muse posters, Muse CDs, and Yeah Yeah Yeah CDS. It was awesome.
EDIT: Just kidding. I'm not going to the Cure cuz Jonny is taking some random chick instead of me.
Seeing the Independence Jam concert on September 9th!! Yay!!!!! BB C 2-16 with Julie, Jonny, Sony, Yossof, Jacqueline, Sandy, and Amin.
I'm happy. EDIT: I am happy about some things.
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Tuesday, August 10th, 2004
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soooo.. i fell down a week ago.. or so... i don't even remember because I had two falling incidents in the past 2 weeks. Anyway, I was skateboarding down this HUGE hill.. actually, it wasn't really huge. It had a very small slope.. maybe like... -1/20. Something like that. I felt like I was going to run into a parked car so I tried jumping off and no doubt.. I fell. Flat on my face. On asphalt. It didn't really hurt and I'm sort of glad I fell because there were 3 cars approaching to the rear and if I hadn't had fallen, I would have been crushed by one of them. Soo.. that whole schpeel was just to say that I'm itchy around my scabs. That doesn't disgusting huh? I have one on my left foot, one on my left knee, one on my right hip, and one on my right elbow. I feel nicely.. nice and balanced.
The other thing I was thinking about is.. does Red Bull actually work? I doubt it. Evie and I tried this Red Bull gives you wings thing during the year and I believe it's just a psychological thing. dammit. what a rip off. 4 bucks for something that tastes like shit.
So, I've been doing genetics for a long time. I have found out some interesting things about inbreeding, let me tell you. No, actually, I've told enough people already and it's getting quicky monotonous. So, I won't.
Wow, this thing wasted about 8 minutes of my life. HURRAY! HOORAY! whichever one you prefer. 8 minutes where I could have been studying. Oh, joy joy. I love it!!!
Ok, what else was I going to say? Hmm...
Haha, something just came back to me.
Quote of the day:
Isn't it weird that chicken is eaten almost everywhere in the world? Why is that?
That quote is really old. Allen and I were eating chicken and he had one of his philosophical moments. Alright Allen!
Ok, I have to go back to talking to Rachael Johnson and Yossof. Actually, not really talking. Rachael is sort of talking but Yossof just thinks I'm psycho.. as he has always believed. He just kinda goes with what I'm saying and humors me. Love that kind of people.
I was also thinking about how I never really get to read my friends journals because all my ucsd people have xanga and none of my hs friends post in livejournal anymore. sucky sauce.
That's enough for now. more studying! hope all of u are doing well. and jonny, i am sorry to have neglected you. i love you. you are the besttttttt. soooo.. we must hang out this weekend. MUST. jonny deprivation= :(
Adios!
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Thursday, June 10th, 2004
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Uh huh. Yup. I love Allen.
I would describe it but I can't.
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Wednesday, June 9th, 2004
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Goodbye Blake 2
Two of my suitemates left yesterday and when I saw their room completely empty, I wanted to cry. I am going to cry. I have become so attached to this place and I really don't want to let it go but I have to. I have to move on and I will. It's out with the old and in with the new. It's time to empty my room and let the new class have their share of Blake memories. :)
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ordoesitexplode's journal
ecstatic.